The NFL season is just around the corner and I, for one, am over excited. To try and curtail some of that excitement I decided to compare every teams starting quarterback to a current pro-wrestler.
Carson Palmer (Arizona Cardinals) – Kane
The older statesmen of the NFL who occasionally creates a big pop but was never truly a top 10 player.
Matt Ryan (Atlanta Falcons) – Dean Ambrose
Matt Ryan had a QBR of 117 last season, earning himself the NFL MVP. Sadly however, much like Dean Ambrose, Matt Ryan has never truly got the credit he deserves for being a hall of fame talent.
Joe Flacco (Baltimore Ravens): Mil Muertes
Joe Flacco is the king of the playoffs in recent years, and Mil rarely loses a high stakes match up.
Tyrod Taylor (Buffalo Bills) – Cheeseburger
Both provide regular flashes of athleticism but neither has any business in competition with their opponent.
Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers) – Roman Reigns
MVP honours came early in Cam Newton’s career, as a world title run did to Roman Reigns. Fans regularly moan about sloppy mechanics in both cases yet both Newton and Reigns win on a regular basis.
Mike Glennon (Chicago Bears) – Aerostar
Always produces a stellar performance in the ring, but easily forgettable in a large crowd.
Andy Dalton (Cincinnati Bengals) – EC3
Good players with a high upside, sadly they’ll never be relevant on their current teams.
Kody Kessler (Cleveland Browns) – Low KI
A poor player on a poor team, elevated to a position of hope due to the terrible history that surrounds the team.
Dak Prescott (Dallas Cowboys) – Ricochet (Prince Puma)
Young, athletic, surrounded by talent, and known for their hard work and personable nature. Both Prescott and Ricochet are no doubt the future of their chosen fields.
Trevor Simian (Denver Broncos) – Zach Sabre Jr
Both look menial in stature but both have impeccable technique (especially Sabre Jr).
Matthew Stafford (Detroit Lions) – Michael Elgin
Big, bold, and powerful, both of these athletes use their size and power to blow through their opponents. Sadly, however, neither will ever accomplish much.
Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers) – Brock Lesnar
Doesn’t show up every week, but when they do there is a hurricane of athletic domination. When these two are on form there is not a soul in the respective fields that can stop them.
Tom Savage (Houston Texans) – Chavo Guerrero
Appears randomly when their company has ran out of viable options. Both are destined to get beaten by the other man…
Andrew Luck (Indianapolis Colts) – Seth Rollins
Sadly their careers have been blighted by injuries at key junctures. At this early stage it seems as though such injuries will continue to destroy momentum for these world class talents.
Blake Bortles (Jacksonville Jaguars) – Eric Rowan
Alex Smith (Kansas City Cheifs) – Dolph Ziggler
The journeyman, who will never be appreciated for their undeniable ability. If either got just a little bit of luck then their careers could have been far different.
Phillip Rivers (LA Chargers) – Bray Wyatt
This was by far the most difficult comparison to make. Phillip Rivers will probably become one of the greatest quarterbacks to never win a world championship. For that reason I present Bray Wyatt, a wrestler who will never be given the appropriate opportunity to achieve would they should do.
Jared Goff (LA Rams) – Chad Gable
Both very early on in their careers with high floors and incredibly high ceilings.
Jay Cutler (Miami Dolphins) – Jinder Mahal
Both moonlight as something remotely relevant but both fail miserably in the spotlight
Sam Bradford (Minnesota Vikings) – Roderick Strong
Everything is solid… but nobody cares.
Tom Brady (New England Patriots) – John Cena
The GOAT meets the GOAT.
Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints) – Randy Orton
Utterly deadly and technically impeccable. Both superstars are entering their later years as masters of their craft, no doubt viewed by rivals in the training room over and over again.
Eli Manning (New York Giants) – Hiroshi Tanahashi
The elder statesmen who is sadly declining athletically. Whilst neither will win a world title again they will both be main event players until they retire.
Christian Hackenburg (New York Jets) – Joey Ryan
Derek Carr (Oakland Raiders) – Marty Scurll
Both simply look evil and perform with an attitude befitting of that suggestion.
Carson Wentz (Philadelphia Eagles) – Sami Zayn
Whilst the talent is evident, neither has the support to make a winning run. Both should see a steady build of support over the coming year which will lead to a steady increase in the win column.
Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh Steelers) – Tomohiro Ishii
Whilst I’d like to suggest that this isn’t based on a physical comparison… it is.
Brian Hoyer (San Francisco 49ers) – Curtis Axel
A safe pair of hands: The Rock trained with Curtis Axel for his Wrestlemania matches.
Russell Wilson (Seattle Seahawks) – Will Ospreay
Russell Wilson, AKA Houdini, produces flashes of athletic magnificence which make his sub-par linemen look “good”. Will Osprey is arguably the greatest athlete in wrestling and could make a broom look like a world champion.
Jameis Winston (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) – Kenny Omega
Personality radiates off these two, bringing an unbelievable energy to everything they do. Both are destined to become megastars.
Marcus Mariota (Tennessee Titans) – Neville
Small, quick, agile, deadly, and talk in odd cadences. I rate both these two as future world champions in their own fields.
Kirk Cousins (Washington Redskins): The Million Dollar Man
A career of franchise tags will make a man rich.
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